The Storm Rages on Within
by Zandra's Ashes
Summary: The events of the storm affected John and Elizabeth more than they would ever admit. Pushing away from each other, their friends plotting to force their collision. The fallout is harder than anyone could have anticipated.
1. Chapter 1

Sorry all, stupid rookie mistake. It might help if I published the final version, not the first draft. Really only typos and editing to let story flow better, no changes to the core story elements.

Spoilers. Excerpt from the Storm and The Eye credit to Martin Gero and excerpt from Sanctuary credit to Alan Brennert. I know Ronan was not a member of the team yet, but hopefully you will understand this choice and forgive me.

I have a YouTube playlist of songs I listened to while writing this. You can check it out at: /user/ZandrasAshes

**The Storm Rages On Within**

Elizabeth tried to escape the voices of John Sheppard and Koyla grinding against her ears. She didn't even know where John was in the vast city, didn't know if he'd been injured. He'd never let Koyla know if he was. She imagined the worst each time the radio fell silent. She looked up and met Rodney's eyes, shared his fear. With the switch to the grounding station damaged, they were running out of time to save Atlantis. If they even survived the Genii incursion.

"Say Goodbye to Dr. Weir"

Time seemed to slow as Koyla's words stabbed into her mind. The beating of her heart became painful, erratic. Just months ago, she could indulge in the Sunday paper at her favorite coffee shop. Now she would die in this ancient city she had come to love, to call home. Die with regrets. Her mind raced with streaming thoughts of so many complicated threads of her life, and the echoes of the words that always caught in her throat. They would now go unspoken forever, she had waited too long. She closed her eyes to find the image of John reflected in her eyelids. The tiniest ember of hope remaining within her began to flicker back to life as she concentrated on his face.

John fired a single shot striking Kolya, missing Elizabeth by a breath. Koyla lost his grasp on Elizabeth and fell backwards into the event horizon. Relief washed over his body, She was alive and still here on Atlantis. He watched her stumbled forwards away from the Gate before falling to the floor again, staring up at John in shock.

As the Gate closed down, John felt his body propelled toward her. Something prodded his memory; he called over his shoulder. "Find Teyla and Beckett! Make sure that's all of them." He hurried towards Elizabeth, stunned and frozen before him. "Sorry about that. I had to, uh ... you okay?"

She shook her head, still breathless with shock. "No."

The look in Elizabeth's eyes broke down the weak remaining resistance within him. The pounding of his heart throbbed against his ears. The fleeting feeling of relief burned off his body like steam as a heat flared within him. He had come too close to losing her. A loud noise roused John back to alertness.

"You will be. Come on." John grabbed her hand. His skin prickled unsettlingly from the contact of her hand clutching his fiercely. He needed to get her somewhere safer. He pulled her into a run, up the stairs into the control room.

John shook his head, trying to clear his mind. The crisis was far from over, he needed to focus. But his emotions spilled over as he stared at Elizabeth. Her hand had been freezing, her soaked clothing clung to her painfully thin frame. She looked pale and fragile. He couldn't let her out of his sight. Like a magnet, her body seemed to call to his own, drawing him closer and closer. He was painfully aware that he was standing much too close.

After the storm ceased, John forced the familiar banter out, forced himself to joke about scheduling vacation during the next storm. He forced his feet to walk away. The image of her standing alone on her balcony stayed with him, blinding him with guilt for leaving her side.

It had grown dark by the time he returned to see her. These feelings were his problem; he couldn't punish her for them. She needed his friendship as much as he needed hers. He couldn't abandon that friendship today of all days. If he wasn't strong enough to quell what he was feeling, he knew he was strong enough to endure.

Peter stared at him with relief when John reached the control room, nodding towards the balcony. "We haven't seen her since you left."

John's face tightened as he ploughed through her office onto the balcony. His jaw clenched when he spotted her. She was tucked beneath a column, sitting compressed with her knees to her chest, her fingers laced tightly together around her legs.

She hadn't changed out of her water soaked clothes. She had pulled off drenched socks and boots, tossed aside the water laden jacket. She now only wore a tank top and her pants, both still damp. He hurried to sit beside her, wrapping his arm around her frozen shoulder. Her face nestled against his shoulder, which quickly dampened with her tears. Her body was shaking from her silent sobs. They'd all been crazy to leave her alone. He'd known better, if he hadn't let his damn feelings in the way, she wouldn't have been alone.

"John, Koyla………….I."

He pried her gently from her perch, settling her in front of him, her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, hoping to warm her. Her fragile body felt so cold, her skin almost clammy. She turned sideways, practically ending up in his lap as she twisted back towards him, tucking her face back into his neck. Her tears and soft breath brushed against his throat provoking a primal pain from deep inside. They almost lost her.

He looked sharply up towards the darkened sky blinking. One silent tear had escaped his eye, trickling raggedly down his face before mixing with her own on his neck.

"Elizabeth?" John asked after several more excruciating moments. "Elizabeth?"

Her body continued to shudder, her skin still frozen to his touch. He tapped the radio, cursing himself for allowing her to fall so far.

"Carson? Can you meet me on the balcony outside Dr. Weir's office? Elizabeth's in shock."

"Aye, on my way."

"And Carson, if anyone asks, this is a virus. She _was_ out in the cold rain all day."

"Understood, try to warm her up and get her comfortable. She'll be fine Major."

John groaned wondering how he could possibly get any closer to keep her any warmer. Elizabeth's eyelashes fluttered against his throat as she heard the sound, her eyes emerging finally to meet his. Her sobs began to subside and her gaze turned questioning. He realized he had begun stroking her bare arms up and down with his hands.

"Got to warm you up, Carson's on the way." John tried to explain. Elizabeth seemed dazed, unsure how she'd come to be nestled beneath his arms, against his lap. She continued staring numbly at him. He moved one hand to her face, brushing back a tendril of her hair.

"Uhm" Carson cleared his throat as he stumbled onto the intimate scene.

John was beyond caring what anyone thought and Elizabeth didn't seem to register his arrival. John tried to move out of her grasp so Carson could get to her, but she clung tighter, her nails digging into his skin.

"It's okay Major, leave her be." Carson said as he draped a blanket around Elizabeth's back. She nestled in to John again, resting her head against his chest. Carson pulled out her arm to check vitals.

"I should have kept an eye on her after all that happened today. I should have insisted she come to the infirmary. We need to get her there now." Carson said.

"W all should have kept an eye on her. What exactly is the treatment for shock?"

"Simple actually, rest and a warm bed. An IV of fluids to rehydrate her wouldn't hurt." Carson said.

"No reason that can't be done in her quarters, I'll stay with her, let you know if something changes." Elizabeth would not want everyone to know the event had traumatized her. If she had to stay in the infirmary, the entire crew of Atlantis would know by morning. They could not know Elizabeth had faltered, they needed her strength now more than ever.

Carson's head bobbed as he looked back and forth between John and Elizabeth. "Aye." He finally agreed.

They pulled her to her feet without resistance. John pulled her arm around his waist, before wrapping his own around her in support. "Elizabeth, they need to see you walk out of here. We can't carry you."

She somehow managed, though the bulk of her small frame pressed against John for support.

"Fever. From the rain." Carson said as they passed.

En route, Carson called a nurse to meet them in Elizabeth's quarters. As John and Carson waited outside, she helped Elizabeth slip into clean and dry clothes and into bed. When she left, they entered and Carson set up the IV. Elizabeth was already fading off to sleep.

John settled into a chair across the room, nodding to Carson as he left.


	2. Chapter 2

Elizabeth-Two weeks later

Elizabeth snapped the iPod in her laptop, seeking escape from the turbulent voices in her mind. Everyone had been going out of her their way to be nice to her since the storm, treating her like fragile glass, afraid she would crumble. Cadman had been the rare exception. She'd abruptly entered her office one day and demanded her iPod. She returned it the next day, filled with songs she'd never heard of.

"My boyfriend back home worked in the music industry. Most of these songs hadn't even been released yet." Cadman said proudly.

Elizabeth was touched, but had never listened to the music. But today, nearly two weeks later, her head was throbbing and she was willing to do anything to hear something besides the doubts hovering over her mind. She turned up the volume and escaped from her desk to the balcony.

All she had to do was move. John had already done the hard work. He'd moved like a sniper, alone through the vast city, taking down Kolya's men one by one. He'd destroyed Koyla's plans to seize Atlantis. All she had to do was run, move away from the gate, return to the control room and resume her command.

She winced as her body shuddered, trying to shake off the shame. She hated herself for being so weak. She'd allowed herself to be taken hostage and then used as a human shield while Koyla was attempting to escape through the gate. And once again, she'd had to rely on Sheppard to save her and prompt her back to duty.

Her face flushed as she pictured how she must have appeared. The damsel in distress being led up the stairs by the hand of Sheppard. How he continued to worry over her, not leaving her side in the aftermath. Never more than inches did he allow his body to venture, ready to protect her again at the next sign of danger.

His presence had always comforted her. During the storm, she'd indulged in his strength. In the moment he'd taken her hand, she'd felt something powerful, something she'd never been vulnerable enough to allow breach the surface of her fragile composure. Now she found that being anywhere near John was painful.

After he rescued her, he must have sensed her need, her desperation silently begging him to stay near her. But since then, he'd grown more and more distant. The brief time he continued to spend with her seemed to be out of obligation. Forced. Her stomach now churned with her mounting contempt. For herself.

He was too valuable to the expedition for her to continue to monopolize him as her personal body guard. And her control of the expedition became more fragile each moment she allowed herself to be seen as weak, in need of protection. The crew had placed their lives in her hands when the stepped through the Gate on Earth. They needed her to be strong and competent. They deserved it.

Her skin began to burn uncomfortably and she knew Sheppard entered her office. She always sensed his presence. Why not anyone else, not even Simon? She focused on the ocean before her hoping he would see her darkened face, her darkened heart and leave her. She knew better. He felt some misguided sense of duty to check up on her. She was growing tired of his pity. She turned to face him. He stood by her desk, his expression cloudy, unreadable.

His scowl disappeared as he turned away and pulled the iPod from the computer. She should warn him to keep his iPod away from Cadman. The faint thought flew out of her mind as her heart began to beat uncomfortably fast. He had joined her on the balcony, moving entirely too close. "You okay?"

She couldn't stop her eyes from cringing. "Of course, why do you ask?"

He moved even closer and grasped the railing. "Maybe because I've never heard you listening to anything but jazz or classical music before."

She had to remember to start locking her office door after hours. And shading the windows so no one could spot her. She glanced at her watch. "Hmm, just a little tired I suppose. I was just getting ready to call it a night."

She felt his body shift towards her. She peeked out of the corner of her eyes and found him facing her, that damn eyebrow raised. Sheppard was different than anyone she'd ever met that advanced in the military. Except maybe O'Neil. They both somehow managed to retain an off the battlefield personality.

It was almost endearing. John had made it too easy for her to drop her guard. It hadn't taken her long to value his companionship. Depend on it. The thought came like icy hail against her skin.

"Since when do you ever call it quits before the wee hours of the morning? Sure you're feeling okay?" His husky voice cut into her heart.

"Carson's been threatening to remove me from duty if I don't begin to keep what he calls more reasonable hours." Her eyes clung to the ocean, knowing she would falter if she faced him

"Need any help carrying the laptop or all the reports I know you'll start taking to your bedroom? Those circles under your eyes won't get any better; Carson will catch on pretty fast."

"I'm really stopping for the night John. I've got a book and a hot bath calling my name." She turned on her heel, moving through her office and on the path to her quarters. She'd noted the flash in his eyes as she'd turned, and felt the heat of embarrassment rise upon her chest. Why had she mentioned a bath? Like she was begging him to picture her naked. Pathetic Elizabeth, she muttered to herself.

He trotted to catch up with her, catching her elbow and pulling her to a stop. Her arm burned from the brief contact. Sheppard planted himself before her, challenging her to meet his eyes. She managed to do so without flinching, unwavering in her attempt to conceal her self disgust and pretend everything was the same. It could never be the same. Not until she could bottle up this unreasonable need to be near him.

"You'd tell me right, if anything was wrong? You've seemed…quiet since the Koyla thing. Distant."

And you haven't? She thought. "I'm fine. Really. Between his team and the storm, we've just had a lot of repairs to complete since he…left. Add that to my normal workload-"

"I know you're busy." Sheppard cupped his chin with his hand and looked her up and down. "Physically, you seem to be fine. Emotionally, that was a pretty intense thing to go through. Are you sure-"

"John, I'm fine. Just tired. It's been over two weeks now. I think I'll make it. If there isn't anything else you needed, I'll see you in the morning." She turned abruptly and strode away from him. Heat had surged into her face as he unknowingly provoked anger.

His concern about her emotional state twisted into an allegation of weakness as her mind processed his words. She made the mistake of glancing back only once. His eyes were wide with shock. These after hours conversations on her balcony had become their nightly routine soon after arriving on Atlantis. Though they'd struggled to be near each other these past weeks, those were the sharpest words she'd ever spoken to him during those visits. She realized now their friendship may not survive. But she knew she needed distance from him. Had to prove to herself she was strong enough to govern the expedition. Without him.

She felt a brief twinge of disappointment that his footsteps hadn't followed before a surge of anger washed it away. She reached her quarters and entered at a loss for how she would really spend her evening. She didn't dare risk going back to her office for her laptop. She'd have to move through the staff in the control room, John or Carson would find out in moments. The book lay unappealing beside her bed. Pacing back and forth for hours seemed wasteful. She waved open the door and tentatively stuck her head out. The coast was clear.

Elizabeth walked away from the most densely populated sections of the city. She made her way deep in thought, letting her feet lead her where they may. She knew she wanted to feel in control, but had no idea how to renew her confidence in her abilities. She found herself standing before the studio where Teyla and Ronan trained the staff on hand to hand combat. Her feet led her inside the now empty room.

Elizabeth wandered the room aimlessly. She'd only been here for brief moments and did not feel comfortable here now. She picked up a set of the sticks they used for sparing and eyed them curiously. Almost jealously. She'd seen Ronan, Teyla and John masterfully spar with a deft skill she knew would never be hers. That was the reason she rarely came here. It made her feel deficient.

A pair of sticks rose beside her. She turned to find Teyla at her side, her eyes encouraging Elizabeth. Without speaking, Elizabeth moved to the center of the room and held the sticks out cautiously to her side. Teyla followed, moving into a stance and placing her arms to hold one stick above the other. Elizabeth mimicked her position. Teyla nodded in approval and then moved so she was side by side with Elizabeth. Teyla began to demonstrate simple strikes, waiting for Elizabeth practice each time before moving onto to another skill. The next hour flashed by in silence. Elizabeth had become familiar with basic strikes and stances.

Teyla finally smiled and pulled the sticks from Elizabeth's hands. After moving away to put them on the bench, she returned taking Elizabeth's shoulders as she bowed towards her. Elizabeth bowed in return, bending forward until their foreheads met together holding but for a moment.

"The studio is free every night at this time. Seldom has anyone ventured here after hours, you would have privacy." Teyla's voice chimed rhythmically through the silence. "Will I see you here tomorrow?"

Elizabeth cocked her head, never failing to be surprised by the Athosians intuitiveness. She did not want to be seen here, her motions were so choppy, so forced. She'd feel vulnerable if anyone witnessed the uncoordinated movements she had to concentrate so hard to execute. She longed for the graceful fluidity of Teyla. The instinctive way she moved, responded. Elizabeth found that she wanted this badly. To be able to protect herself, defend herself. She nodded her head in response. She would be back, again and again until the thought of Koyla receded from her memory. Until the darkness of worry fell from John's eyes. She could assume the burden of protecting herself; she could do that for him. For herself, she growled silently.

John

"Where's Elizabeth" John asked of no one in particular. He was staring into her empty office. It was lunchtime. She never remembered to leave for meals.

"She went to have lunch." Someone behind him answered.

John scratched his head. Elizabeth never seemed to feel her hunger and would forget to eat unless drug from her office or someone brought her a tray and waited until she had eaten. He'd have to see this to believe it.

He found her in the mess hall as promised. Elizabeth was determinedly forking bites of food in her mouth. John was surprised to see the array before her. Not just a salad, not just a bite of protein but a full well rounded meal with meat, veggies and fruit. And milk, where had she gotten milk?

John loaded a tray for himself, took a deep breath and moved to join her. Her eyes seemed to narrow momentarily as he sat down. When he looked again, her eyes had softened, but her face seemed tight. It was like it was taking great effort to project the weak smile of welcome onto her face.

"So I see sleep isn't the only new thing you're trying this week. Decide to give food a second chance?" He started pushing around the food on his plate, only peeking up at her once as he spoke.

Elizabeth polished off the last of her milk and stood. "Yes, well Carson's orders, you know. Sorry John, but I have a meeting in 5. I'll catch up with you later."

John didn't bother to respond, she was already out of the range of his voice. Something was definitely wrong with her. She had withdrawn more and more each day since Koyla's attempt to seize the city. Now she couldn't even stand to stay in his presence for more than a few minutes at a time.

He dropped his fork and rubbed his eyes. He had been just as busy as Elizabeth in the aftermath of the storm. He only reached out to her when his day was over, joining her dutifully on the balcony each evening for a few minutes. He should have done more, tried harder to spend more time with her. He'd let his own uncomfortable emotions steer him away, his mind still conflicted between the pain of hearing she'd been murdered and the joy of finding her alive.

He'd never worked for someone like her. She didn't rule with the iron fist of the military, but with an open mind guided by her heart. He admired how she fought to do what was right, not just what would benefit the Atlantian team. She was their moral compass and level headed guide through a galaxy not ruled by the Geneva Convention. Unarmed, she was stronger than he would ever be holding his P90.

The casual intimacy they'd developed through their friendship had been a surprise. He'd been amused to discover the rumor mill had every available set of eyes focused upon him and Elizabeth when they were together. He'd shrugged it off with a smile. What else did he expect, the expedition staff were probably all still going through reality TV withdrawal, they had to find some entertainment.

But he had retreated into himself after the storm. He could still hear Koyla's voice "Say goodbye to Dr. Weir". Could still hear the gunshot resounding through the radio. Still feel the white flames of an anger he'd never known coarse through his veins. He'd told Koyla he was going to kill him. He had failed. Koyla was out there somewhere even now, a living reminder of his failure. Elizabeth would have been given some peace with his death. He couldn't even give her that.

He hated himself for being unable to grant that relief. He'd chosen postings in the Middle East and Antartica for a reason, he wasn't good with people, wasn't comfortable caring about them. Even now, knowing he should have been more supportive to her recently, try to acknowledge the emotions raised, he could not force himself to go after her.

McKay plopped before him suddenly, chattering excitedly about a new device they'd found. John's eyes winced as though bombarded by light as he tried to block the noise emanating from McKay's mouth.

"Elizabeth seem okay to you?" John interrupted.

"Define okay? She just denied three out of five requests and refused to listen to me further explain the merits of approving them. They're only memos you know, to get the full effect you have to hear my pitch personally. Hmm, maybe that's why she wouldn't listen. She knows she couldn't refuse me." Rodney stared off to the side dreamily.

John whacked the back of his head.

"Hey!" Rodney protested as he rubbed his head. "That could cause a very serious injury, damage blood vessels, kill brain cells. Do you know how valuable my brain cells are? Hey, are you not going to eat that?"

Rodney had somehow managed to talk incessantly while inhaling his own plate of food. John pushed his tray towards him as he rose to walk away. He didn't notice his iPod had fallen to the ground under the table. Rodney's eyes grew wide with pleasure and continued chattering, not realizing or not caring that John was leaving the room.

John moved back to the control room, early for his daily official meeting with Elizabeth. He was surprised she was not in her office and the balcony beyond seemed empty as well.

"Major?"

John turned to find Peter looking quizzically at him.

"Did you forget Dr. Weir has cancelled your standing appointments?" Peter asked.

"What do you mean cancelled? When?"

Peter cleared his throat nervously. "I thought she'd told you. She's trying to trim her daily schedule so she can keep the good doctor happy."

"And cutting her standing meeting with her military leader seemed like a good idea?" John asked, still believing Peter had made a mistake. He was a little early after all. Elizabeth would be here any minute.

"She said she talks to you every night on the balcony."

John felt his jaw locking firmly. He must have pissed her off. They hardly ever talked shop during those moments. He'd cut short their time in the evening every night since the storm, unable to stand the sensations that had begun to sizzle against his skin when she was near. He gave a slight shrug of his shoulders, trying to convince Peter, hell, trying to convince himself it wasn't a big deal. He knew he was lying to himself. Again. What choice did he have, she could never be his, why even tempt his happily dormant heart.

He returned later that night and found her office and the balcony empty. He tried to call her on the coms, but Rodney answered for her. She was only to be contacted if it was a true emergency. What the hell was she doing? Obviously, she couldn't stand to be near him any more than he could her. Though her reasons were much different. She obviously blamed him, rightfully so. He hadn't protected her and Koyla had almost……………John turned his eyes again to the balcony. He hadn't realized how much he looked forward to those few minutes each night. Too late now. She would never take comfort in his protection again.

The next morning, he was only mildly surprised to find she had decided she would no longer sit in on his team meetings. She didn't sit in on any other team meetings and her time was critical now. John leaned back in his chair while McKay prattled on and tried to summon his best I'm paying attention face. What he was really doing was staring at Elizabeth's empty chair.

"Major?" He had just exited the conference room when Peter stopped him. "I believe this is yours, it was found in the mess hall." Peter extended the iPod towards him.

John took from his hands, managing a faint thanks before he strode away.

After dinner, he walked by the command room pausing only briefly to confirm her empty office and balcony. Biting his lip, he continued on his way.

This became his routine for the next month. He'd walk by at night, but she was never there. She never came to his team meetings and rarely seemed to be anywhere there was a chance he would be. She hadn't gone off world since the storm. She did wait on the balcony of the control room when he returned. But as soon as his eyes caught hers, she always fled

The gossip mill began to irritate him for the first time. The conversations that dropped to a whisper when he entered the mess hall, the knowing glances when she chose an empty table over his own. He almost smiled at the joy the crew would have the next time they argued over a mission. His half smile faded as he realized to argue, they would first have to speak. She'd avoided doing that for two weeks straight.

Today, she'd arrived in the mess hall before him. Her table was full of staff members of various departments. He nodded slowly in approval. Though she'd only forced herself here under threat of Carson, he could see she enjoyed finally getting to spend more time with the crew of Atlantis. Thrived on it actually. As did the crew, unaccustomed to getting so much face time with the woman they usually only admired from a distance.

John cocked his head noticing that she looked good, healthy he corrected himself. The circles under her eyes had vanished and her face was no longer gaunt. Her slender body had also benefited from her time in the mess hall. Her painfully thin frame had grown stronger. How had he not noticed before?

John looked upwards as he ran his hands through his hair. Heads turned his way and he realized his groan had been much louder than he realized. He needed to find some distraction. Even Ronan and Teyla had been making themselves scare in the evening. Not that he had any doubts what they were up to. Their tension was so palpable; speculation about them was nearly as rampant as the crew's "Shweir" watch. He never dreamed of mentioning it to them, knowing they would share it when they were ready.

Hanging with McKay was out of the question, he'd probably cut his ears off before the week was over. John left his food untouched on the table as he left. If Weir couldn't manage to forgive his faults, to be his friend, he was sure he'd find others who'd appreciate his company. A nurse winked at him as he passed by. He stopped and took a deep breath. He turned and sauntered back towards her table, forcing his most charming expression onto his face.


	3. Chapter 3

Elizabeth

The daily trilling from the alarm on her watch still startled her. She emerged from the deep pile of reports before her shaking her head, disbelieving how the morning had flown by. She collected the still unread files into a stack and pulled the storage device from her laptop. "Peter? I'm going to lunch; can you see that these files are delivered upstairs?"

"I'll take them myself. This afternoon is Teyla and then Rodney this evening, right?" Peter asked.

"And Lorne for the overnight on call."

"10-4, I'll make sure the control room staff knows who to call first. Hopefully, it will be a quiet day and none of them will have to disturb you."

"Peter? Have you heard any chatter, have they realized I'm working from another office in the afternoons?"

"No ma'am. Seems even McKay has managed to keep his mouth shut."

Elizabeth's lips lifted in a brief smile. Letting Rodney know had been a leap of faith, but necessary as he was usually off world on missions until the afternoon. She'd managed to reign in Rodney's urges to call her every single time he had a thought and confine them to the one hour of dedicated time. Every day. Besides her personal staff, he was the only member of Atlantis privy to her hide out.

Her secret office had made an amazing difference. Though she was often drudged from her thoughts when her name was called on the com, the on call designee always responded on her behalf. Because she'd limited missions to known planets, there had yet to be a true emergency where she'd had to return to the control room. The on call staff would ask those wishing to speak with her either prepares a brief or come by the next morning.

She still felt a little uncomfortable, but her door was open to all at least four hours a day. Every day. For the first time since she'd arrived on Atlantis, she could manage her time efficiently. The absence of constant interruptions allowed her to finish a full day's work in the four remaining hours. Three actually, Rodney's hour really didn't count.

This left her free to go to dinner every night. For the first time since she'd arrived on Atlantis, Elizabeth made a point of eating morning, noon and night. Her first week of training with Teyla had been brutal, her body recovering too slowly from her exertions. She'd forced her wobbly legs to visit Carson, explaining she'd began to "work out" somewhat vaguely. He'd given her a stern lecture about nutrition and she'd listened.

At first, eating a full meal was a struggle. But her body had responded to the additional fuel in welcome. Her muscle fatigue eased and her endurance increased. She still was caught off guard when she felt her newly developed muscles as she showered. More than that, she had begun to feel almost good again.

The nightly sparing matches had slowly evolved from Teyla fighting with one arm against her two, before weeks later adding the second arm. Teyla held back less and less each day as Elizabeth's ability increased and her muscles began to respond to her commands. Her confidence was beginning to rise once again.

Elizabeth absentmindedly filled her plate with all the things her muscles needed to thrive, one eye probing the mess hall. Her skin had begun prickling the moment she entered the room, she knew he was here somewhere. She was not surprised to find Sheppard with a perky research assistant. She almost smiled realizing Sheppard was in for quite a tongue lashing when Rodney found out. He'd always considered "his" girls off limits. At least Rodney had not totally lost his mind when selecting his team; the women were beautiful but also extremely intelligent. At least, when John Sheppard was not anywhere in proximity.

She ignored Sheppard, moving away towards where Lt. Cadman was seated. Elizabeth had begun sitting with her whenever their dining times overlapped. She'd even been persuaded to join Cadman's girl's only poker nights on several occasions. Gossip narrowly concealed as conversation took place more frequently then hands of cards were dealt. Especially after the Athosian spirits began to flow. She tried to resist the urge to join them every time; Elizabeth realized though they always had fun, the women had to be very careful in front of her. Afraid to spill the wrong dirt and get someone in trouble or afraid to look just plain foolish in front of Atlantis's leader.

Cadman was a unique soul though. She said whatever flashed into her mind at that very instance and refused to apologize for any fallout. Her blunt honesty was refreshing.

"Hey lady, I was hoping we'd cross paths. I brought your iPod, loaded it down with some great tunes. I know you're more fond of mellow music, but you need to keep an open mind. The first song will blow you away, it's like someone crawled inside your head and made a song about what they saw. I just got the CD before we left earth, god I bet they are huge now. Anyway, all the music is perfect for your new kick ass hard body workouts-" Cadman pushed the iPod towards her.

"I'd hardly say-"

Cadman continued as if she'd not been interrupted. "And your new cool rock star attitude."

"Cadman, what attitude?" Elizabeth realized one of her eyebrows had risen. She'd been trying to suppress that habit, not wanting to prod dimming memories from remembering that Sheppard had the same ability. Therefore trying to keep the others from instantly linking the two as they had constantly done before.

"I know you hear us all talking. And by us, I mean everyone here on Atlantis. You two have kept us hoping since we've arrived, but now, you've given steamy Sheppard the cold shoulder. It's like you've banished him back to Antarctica. No one's even seen you speak in weeks. And in the two weeks prior, you were only seen speaking twice. So come on, help me win the pool. Was he cheating or were you bored?"

"Cadman!" Elizabeth admonished, shocked that even Cadman dared to go there.

"Sorry, low blood sugar, I need to quit talking and keep eating or I'll probably end up in the brig."

"We were only friends. Honestly. I'm not sure when, but his strength had begun made me feel weak, like I was stuck in some bubble, buffered by his protection. I need him to stay away. I need to prove to myself and the crew I am strong enough to do this without him."

Cadman froze with her fork halfway to her mouth. Elizabeth had never spoken quite so frankly to her and it clearly surprised her. It had surprised Elizabeth as well. Putting the fork down, Cadman started intently at Elizabeth, the scrutiny causing her stomach to churn.

"Oh god. Nothing _had_ ever happened, had it?" Cadman's eyes turned away for a moment before returning her focus. "Elizabeth, why do you think he sticks you in your damn bubble?"

"I'm the leader of Atlantis and I've no military training. It's his job to ensure my safety."

"Okay, well why did you let him for so long?" Cadman continued.

Elizabeth pursed her lips, she herself was not entirely sure. "It was his job?" Her response seemed almost a question.

"Then why have you stopped him from doing his job?" Cadman asked pointedly as she picked up her fork again. "Look, don't even bother to answer. Just think about it."

The afternoon passed mercifully fast, and soon Elizabeth had joined Teyla in the studio, eager to begin practice.

"Do you mind if I play some music? Cadman filled up my iPod." Elizabeth said as she connected the device to some speakers.

"iPod? Music would be wonderful."

"You may change your mind; it was Cadman who chose it."

They began to warm up and soon were ready to begin. Elizabeth pulled the sticks from the bench and started the music on the iPod.

The music started out at a moderate tempo, Teyla and Elizabeth seemed to follow the music, slower when it was, increasing furiously during the more intense chorus. Elizabeth listened to the lyrics with surprise. Cadman was more insightful than she had realized.

Her arms continued to move, her feet rotated her body around and into her opponent. Her mind was focusing more on the lyrics than her movements, but her body knew what to do know. Moving fluidly, instinctively, responding and as the music pounded loudly, she began to advance.

The continuing lyrics seemed to conjure up the strength Elizabeth had forced deep inside little by little each day since she'd come the storm. Each day that Sheppard had withdrawn more and more. Now it flowed out of her, like hot lava bursting from a dormant volcano.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away, I'll find myself today

When the song finished, Elizabeth and Teyla stopped as well. Each of them sweaty from exertion, concentrating to normalize their breathing.

Teyla spoke first. "I believe the music is a good idea, I…Ronan?"

Elizabeth spun to see him crossing the room. He'd obviously seen plenty, if not all of the action. She turned away and went to stop the next song.

Ronan followed her, picking up a set of sticks nearby. "You're ready for more."

"I'm perfectly capable-" Teyla started, but paused thoughtfully. "He's right. You need to know you can handle fighting a man. An unarguably strong man."

Elizabeth glanced back and forth between them. The rebellious urges inspired by the song still soared through her veins. She nodded her consent and motioned back to the iPod. "Do you mind?"

Teyla smiled knowingly. "You should thank Cadman. Music was an excellent idea."

The music of the same song followed Elizabeth as she met Ronan in the center of the room. She'd set the song to repeat. Her body refused to set in a protective still and she roamed her eyes taking in his every movement. When the chorus began to pound, Elizabeth swiveled, striking first. They turned and twisted as they circled each other, the sound of stick crashing against stick echoing even above the music from time to time. Elizabeth knew he was holding a lot back, but she felt more confident sparing with him with each satiating crash of their sticks.

They paused briefly as the song ended and reset to play again. Elizabeth noted the aggressive glint entering his eyes. Her body tensed as she realized their practice round was over. This time when the music started, his body twisted, moving to strike immediately. She ducked and swiveled moving a step back and several to the side.

She was invigorated again as the chorus filled the room and was determined to take the next offensive measure. Ronan was faster, grabbing one of her sticks with both of his own, twisting clockwise, the pain in her wrist causing her to fall to her knees.

Elizabeth swung her other stick and struck his knee. Her eyes had never wavered from his, and she was pleased to note the slight wince from the blow as he released her and backed away. She jumped to her feet and without hesitation moved against him.

The next series of strikes ended when he twisted behind her, striking the back of her knees, causing her legs to buckle punishing her knees as she hit the floor. Ronan circled to her front, moving his sticks against both sides of her neck. She again noted the glint in his eyes as he begun to celebrate his victory. Elizabeth touched both of her sticks to the insides of his legs, running them higher and higher pausing just above his knees. His most sensitive area was completely unprotected; she saw in his eyes he understood her silent threat. She smiled then, arching an eyebrow in challenge. He backed away.

They continued that pattern for the next thirty minutes. Ronan became less wary of hurting her, finding a new way each round to exploit her many weaknesses. But every round she lost, she rose again to her feet no matter how much her body throbbed from the punishment. She began to search for ways to retaliate against his own sensitive areas and pressure points, forcing him to release her before she had to plead for mercy.

Even the last round, she managed to keep a clear head. He struck with both hands simultaneously hitting the insides of her wrists causing her to release both her sticks. But he backed away too far. When he moved in for his kill, she dove between his legs and rose quickly to reclaim her sticks.

When he lowered his sticks, Elizabeth sank to the floor, resting her head in her hands as she caught her breath. She pulled her head up, catching Teyla and Ronan nodding silently at each other. Elizabeth's breath caught sharply. Was that good or bad?

Teyla moved across the room extending a hand to Elizabeth before pulling her to her feet. "Your mind continues to be your best defense. You should be proud, you have worked very hard."

"Teyla, do you want me to stop coming? You sound like you are dismissing me." Elizabeth frowned, hoping she'd not taken advantage of the Athosians kind offer.

"It's only feedback Elizabeth. Well deserved. You have intuition, when you trust it; it can carry you through many situations. But you must still practice. You will become stronger in time, you will need that strength to give you more time, time for your mind decide what must be done. "

"Mind if I come?" Ronan said abruptly.

"Ronan, I'd prefer for people not to know about this." Elizabeth could hardly raise her eyes to his, knowing what she was asking.

Ronan shrugged. "I'm not much of a talker."

"Even Sheppard." Elizabeth persisted, hearing the desperation in her own voice.

Ronan didn't question her. "I run every morning at 6:00, East Pier, upper level."

Elizabeth nodded slowly, realizing he'd just extended an invitation. More like expectation that she join him. Though it was a good idea. It would also increase her endurance, allowing her sparing strength to last longer.

Ronan left and Teyla began to put away the sticks. "Elizabeth?" She asked.

"Yes?"

"I meditate every night before I go to bed. I start at 9:00 pm."

Elizabeth nodded again and smiled softly. Ronan and Teyla seemed determined to whip her into shape. Physically and mentally. She would indulge them. The stronger she became, the less she would have to depend on the others to protect her or assume the responsibility of fixing her fractured soul.

John

"Major Sheppard, we've reports of an explosion." The lieutenant rattled off the coordinates.

'That part of the city is inactive, are you sure?"

"A science team discovered some kind of lab there. They have been working there for three weeks now. We've not been able to contact them." The lieutenant responded.

"Send a medical team. Find McKay and Weir, have them meet me there." John said, his feet already moving.

"They were there before….." The Lieutenants voice trailed off.

John began to run. The lab was deep into Atlantis. McKay had been kind enough to bring the transports in that area online and John arrived in under ten minutes. As he approached he heard the muffled sound of voices yelling.

No one noticed as he entered the room. Zelenka was holding his arm close to his chest, screaming in Czech at Rodney who was yelling in return while standing on a table tinkering with the crystals in the control panel.

A team of scientists stood watching them in shocked disbelief. No one else appeared injured. John spotted Elizabeth finally. She stood deep in concentration, her eyes furrowed as she stared at the monitor before her. She seemed oblivious to the commotion around her.

"Rodney!" John called in warning as he crossed the room. "McKay!" His voice didn't make a dent amongst their arguing.

He waved the door open the balcony and began firing his P90. The room was peacefully silent when he stopped.

Rodney turned towards him, a crystal in his hand. "Sheppard, what are you doing here?"

John clenched his teeth as he moved closer, glaring at them all. "They detected an explosion and you nimwits were so busy arguing no one could hear the control room trying to find out if you were okay."

"Oh." Rodney turned his head to the side, puzzled. "Didn't they run a life signs scan?"

"Yes, but since they didn't know how many people were here to start, didn't do much good."

The medical team rushed in at that moment. Zelenka moved towards Carson. John walked up to Rodney who'd returned his attentions to the crystals.

"Rodney, what's going on here?" John asked, his eyes on Elizabeth who had yet to emerge from her trance.

"It's the medical lab. Didn't you read my memo?" Rodney sighed as John raised his eyebrow. "Elizabeth figured Atlantis had to have some way of producing food, how else would the Ancients have survived all their space travel."

"You said medical lab." John felt his frustration mounting.

"I was just getting to that. We started exploring the closed off sections of the city and found this little beauty. They made medicine here. It had been damaged when the tsunami flooded this section before we got the shield raised. We just have to restore the power, and voila unlimited supply of any medicine we may need."

"The explosion?"

"Oh, that. Zelenka and I had a, uh minor disagreement about the repairs and he got shocked."

"Yes, by the power surge from when you placed that crystal where I told you it didn't belong!" Zelenka protested.

"It was a minor shock. You just had to go fall off the table and hurt your arm."

"Because you screamed like a little girl and jumped away, knocking me off the table Rodney!" Zelenka's yelling was soon undistinguishable as it mixed again with Rodney's screaming voice.

"Quiet!" Elizabeth's voice bellowed through the room, overpowering the argument.

John was shook by the strength in her voice; he turned towards her noticing the entire room had done the same. Her eyes had still not wavered from the monitor. John recovered and moved purposely towards her right. He didn't give a damn if she was avoiding him. She'd have to find a way to deal with whatever he'd done and set aside her feelings enough to work with him.

His hand instinctively started towards her elbow before he'd noticed and pulled back. "What's going on Elizabeth?"

"It's all here, everything we've been risking our lives for. All our needs, Atlantis can provide." She said quietly.

She didn't seem surprised to find him by her side. She finally raised her eyes from the screen, turning around to her left towards Rodney and Zelenka. He felt like he was invisible. She seemed to instinctively know how to avoid him, avoid contact with his eyes.

"Everything?" Rodney squeaked. The silence in the room had been great enough for even her whisper to be heard.

Elizabeth smiled suddenly. "What would you like Rodney? If you had three wishes, what would they be? On Atlantis." She added knowingly.

"Hmm, well that would be unlimited zed pm's, unlimited MREs and Samantha Carter. I'd settle for a hologram." He began snapping his fingers. "You found it, the second database?"

Elizabeth nodded, smiling widely. John bobbed his head back and forth between the two, not understanding. "What second database?"

Rodney shook his head sadly. "Do you ever read any of my memos?"

"Well…" John's voice drug out the word as he tried to find a reasonable excuse why he never attempted to read the fifty or so memos Rodney forwarded him each day.

"We thought, hoped, since we'd never discovered mentions of these systems from the control room that there was a second database. We've found this section of the city has its own life support, power and weaponry. It was like a luxury escape pod of sorts."

John began to roll his hand, urging him to hurry.

"Well, it would make sense if Atlantis was overcome and they had to retreat, they would want more than those systems. Food, water, medical lab and-."

"A ZPM factory." Zelenka finished.

"Why do you always do that? You always steal the good stuff, besides I'd hardly call it a factory, it couldn't be very big-"

"But it makes the ZPM's"

"Their technology is too sophisticated to be-"

"Quiet!" Elizabeth ordered. "You understand what this means, right?"

"Of course, we can power the shields, power the weapons. We could fly Atlantis!" Rodney's head would probably begin to rotate soon as his thoughts swarmed with the possibilities.

"Home." Elizabeth smiled contently. "We can power the gate to dial Earth."

Zelenka recovered before Rodney, bolting towards Elizabeth and the monitor.

"Major, please let the control room know we're all okay. You're free to leave, I'm sure you have plans for a more interesting way to spend your evening." Elizabeth's eyebrow arched as she finally raised her head to meet his eyes.

He did not imagine the collective gasps that filled the room. Elizabeth turned back to the monitors as he began to back away. John retreated slowly out of the room, painfully aware of the rush of heat probably apparent in his checks.

He paused in the hallway, surprised at the depth of the burn from her words. This was her fault, she'd pushed him away, pushed him towards these women. Hadn't she?

Frowning, he noted the time on his watch. He shook his head realizing he was dreading his date with a hot nurse. The first nurse he had spent time with had driven him bonkers with the constant winking, the botanist who'd come next turned his stomach with innuendos about man eating plants. Then there'd been the chef who refused to let him use his own fork, feeding him from her fingers as she'd licked her lips. Now another nurse.

He hadn't eaten a bite of lunch after her mention of a sponge bath. That was probably a good thing, there was no telling what the chef or her kitchen buds could be doing to his food. He'd better stick to MREs and Powerbars for a while.

Suck it up, he growled inwardly. Hot women. Hot women are disgusting you. What the hell are you thinking? Or trying to not think. He reached his quarters and began to shed his clothes as he moved towards the shower. He entered and leaned forward resting his hands against the wall, feeling the warm water massage his body.

He'd just been out of the game too long. As had most of the women until Heightmeyer had talked Elizabeth into repealing the fraternization rules. Maybe it was their hunger that made them seem so cheap, so desperate. He still couldn't help wishing they'd play just a little hard to get. Challenge him with their minds; flirt with delicate looks in their eyes, tilts of their heads.

He groaned as her face appeared in his mind. It had never been like that, he'd never wanted more. It was just the damn storm, the surge of passion raised only by the situation. But still, he didn't understand why he couldn't shake the ghost of her friendship, constantly hovering near, whispering her disappointment in his ear.

John realized he would not find what he was seeking with these women. But they wanted him. He could not resist indulging in their attention, even briefly. It was nice to be wanted again

Several hours later, he was walking down the corridor. Alone. He'd escaped the nurse by pretending to be summoned by some emergency. He was riled up both by his arousal of the repeated offer of the sponge bath, among other things, and at the same time disgusted by her desperation. He needed to blow off some steam.

He popped the earbuds of his iPod in and pressed play on the single playlist he'd created on the device. He stopped walking, hearing an unfamiliar song streaming. He checked the title on the iPod. How had it gotten on his iPod? He'd never heard of it.

I tried to carry you  
And make you whole  
But it was never enough  
I must go

John ripped the ear buds from his ears. He headed down levels below towards the shooting range. As he rounded the corner, he heard her familiar voice floating towards him. John ducked back into the shadows near the wall. He tilted his head to get a better look.

His mouth gaped when Elizabeth came into view. She was standing overly close to Ronan, her arm resting on his as she grasped his elbow. His insides twisted painfully at the familiar smile radiating from her face. It was his smile, the one she had always reserved for him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

She finally released Ronan's arm and turned. John felt his gut recoil as though he'd been kicked. Her face was flushed and he could spot the moisture on her neck and forehead. He wasn't a fool, he knew where that glow emanating around her came from. Not Teyla. Elizabeth. How the hell did that happen? And why did it feel……..he shook his head, willing the feeling away.

He headed towards the southwest pier. The lyrics of the song repeated again and again in his mind and did not cease until his flask of liquor had depleted.


	4. Chapter 4

Elizabeth

Elizabeth doubled over in agony, resting her hands upon her knees as she tried to catch her breath. She'd been running with Ronan for three weeks now. Today, he had increased the length to ten miles. He never let her settle for growing comfortable with any length of routine, instead pushing her harder and harder.

Still, her heart raced almost pleasurably. Her energy surged higher with each run, further fueled by the raging endorphins flowing throughout her body. It was almost enough to make up for her burning, stinging muscles. Almost.

"Wimp" Ronan called as he turned back towards her.

He bore the dark, devilish sneer that served as his smile. His eyes were alit mischievously. She was beginning to understand why so many women on Atlantis had become smitten with him. Her appreciation of Ronan had grown each day. They ran together every morning and every evening he challenged her again with their sparring match. She was almost proud of the bruises spattered across her body. Most were nearly healed, and new ones had sprung forth in far lesser numbers.

She straightened on his approach, leaning against the rail behind her. Ronan had just reached her side when a muscle in her calf seized in violent protest. Elizabeth sank to the floor, clutching her cramping leg. Ronan squatted before her, massaging her leg.

A prickling sensation rose from the base of her spine, cresting up her back. She turned right and then left. She froze then, her eyes locking upon Sheppard's as he appeared farther down the narrow bridge that extended high above the city. He broke the gaze long enough to consume the scene before him. She understood all to well how it looked. She was dressed in only a sports bra and a tiny pair of jogging shorts borrowed from Cadman. She had been bent forward in pain facing Ronan, now sitting with his long legs extended around hers as he leaned towards her massaging her leg.

Their eyes held as Sheppard began to move slowly backwards. His eyes suddenly pressed together and he turned and ran out of her sight. Guilt twisted through her heart as she watched him leave.

Elizabeth mind rationalized that she'd been lonely, missing the steady if somewhat lackluster relationship with Simon. She had felt vulnerable, unprepared for the dangers of the Pegasus galaxy. Sheppard had been like a salve to her wounds.

She'd abused his protection, indulged in his companionship. Allowed him to fill the void inside her, taking his strength so she could function. Her mind had fabricated a relationship, deep in the dark recesses of its depths, so she would not feel weak for leaning on him. Relying on him. She'd been malnourished and sleep deprived. Easily persuaded by her own mind. It was never real. It could never be real.

It had taken her rage, provoked by her reaction to Koyla, to burn away the shroud over her eyes. Though mind screamed that her attachment, her contrived connection with Sheppard had been fabricated within her, her heart rebelled. Aching each time she saw him and crushing her with an overwhelming sort of homesickness when he left her sight. It made her sick to realize she had done this to herself, that she was now punishing Sheppard who had done no wrong. It would pass, these feelings would pass. They would survive this.

"Thanks Ronan, it's feeling much better." Elizabeth sputtered.

Ronan stood and pulled her to her feet. "One mile to go."

Elizabeth groaned, but followed behind him. Ronan chose a different route today. He led them off the bridge, down several levels into the city. He slowed down little by little until they were walking. He finally stopped, waving his hand before the doors sensor. Her eyes widened as she realized it was the door to the shooting range. She entered behind Ronan, relived that no one else was present. He pulled his gun from his holster as he reached the range line.

He looked to see her response. "You don't like guns much, do you?"

Elizabeth shook her head slowly, knowing her wide eyes betrayed her attempt at collectedness.

He reholstered his gun. "We'll start small." He moved towards the armory inside, emerging with a small pistol.

Elizabeth took a step back, understanding what he wanted.

"You haven't been offworld since the storm. You seem determined to prove something to yourself, face this last fear. Defend yourself." Ronan extended the gun.

She took it timidly in her hand, afraid to touch anything that could set it off.

"Load here, turn safety off here, aim here. Now fire." Ronan instructed.

Her hands were shaking as she obeyed, knowing he was right. Somehow, the bullet managed to strike the target paper. Though it was more than several inches from the outlined body. This small handgun was light and didn't have the kick of the P90s.

Ronan moved behind her, moving her feet and arms into a different stance. "Couple more."

Elizabeth nodded her head and fired until she'd emptied the barrel. She could see the improvement even from her distance. Every new shot had hit the target. She felt her smile stretch across her face at this accomplishment.

Ronan nodded and pulled the gun from her hand. "I come here every night after we spar. No one ever comes down here that late."

She smiled as they moved back to the living areas on the upper levels.

Several more weeks flew by. Elizabeth could not believe how much busier she'd become considering that she only spent four hours in her primary office. Most of her afternoon was now spent in varying labs of the "escape pod" as Rodney and Zelenka tried to repair power to the systems that would allow them to make medicine, food and ZPMs. Her evenings were filled with sparring, shooting practice, and meditation. From time to time, she skipped meditation and self medicated with Athosian spirits at Cadman's poker nights. Self confidence was creeping in to fill the voids she'd allowed Sheppard's strength to patch.

It bothered her less each time she spotted him in the mess hall with another woman. She began to be glad she wasn't one of them. He switched them more often than he changed his clothes. It helped knowing it was only a matter of time before he'd run through them all. She would know when that time came, she knew he would begin to pester her to resume mission to explore unknown worlds.

"Poor Sheppard what would he do with no one to flirt with?" Cadman's voice echoed through her head.

"Has he flirted with you yet?" Elizabeth raised her eyebrow.

"Ewww, as if! Your flyboy isn't stupid. He'd never dare even smile at our poker crew." Cadman began to search her pockets.

"He's hardly my flyboy and why on earth not? I thought you believed me, nothing happened."

Cadman snorted then covered her face briefly before beginning to dig in her pockets again. "Sorry. Yeah, about that. Weir. You're the one with the fancy degrees and impressive resume. You're supposed to be sharp. I've kind of let the nothing happened thing slide because I know you were telling the truth."

"So the problem is?"

"You meant physically. Ah, here's your iPod. Your Linkin Park song is still at the top of your playlist. I added some new stuff just for fun. Can't wait to see where it takes you." Cadman pushed the iPod across the table as she rose.

"Cadman, you can't just make comments about my physical relationships and run off!" Elizabeth cried in protest.

Cadman was already several steps away. She glanced back, flashing a huge smile as she nodded to her sides. Elizabeth felt her checks turn scarlet as her head followed. Everyone in a ten yard radius had heard Cadman, including a scowling John Sheppard. She forced a smile to her face briefly before fleeing from the room.

That evening after sparring, Ronan had begun to push her through more difficult maneuvers inside the mock city area of the shooting range. She had begun to feel comfortable ducking into doorways, jumping behind barriers throwing her body out of harms way and into more desirable positions to eliminate the enemy. She finally felt comfortable with the P90. Ronan stopped after practice in the corridor outside the range. She felt the sweat begin to cool on her neck and forehead.

"Haven't been offworld in a while." He half stated half asked.

Elizabeth looked away, embarrassed.

"How about starting with the mainland, visit the Athosians?"

She cocked her head in silent question.

"Bring the P90; Carson's taking us over tomorrow after lunch."

She understood finally. Time to practice in the real world. She reached out to him; her hand grasped his elbow, her arm resting upon his. She felt the smile grow across her face, stretching almost painfully to her ears. She'd passed the basic coursework, time for the final exam period. "Thank you Ronan."

The nerves on her back began to tingle. She released Ronan's arm, her eyes searching the hallway as she turned to walk away. She didn't see Sheppard, but she knew he was close. She forced herself not to run as she moved away.

John

John reached the control room just in time to glance the end of the puddle jumper disappear into the sky above Atlantis.

"Who was that? There are no missions scheduled this afternoon." He demanded, his eyes darting about finally resting on Peter.

"It's just Carson going to the mainland."

"Just Carson?" John raised his eyebrow at Peter.

"Dr. Weir, Ronan and Teyla are aboard as well." Peter said nervously.

"They've been going over there almost every day for two weeks. What's going on?" John asked.

"Read…your…memos!" Rodney chimed in, hidden as he laid beneath the control panels tinkering with crystals yet again.

"Rodney!"

"Jeez, with all the women on your arm lately seems like you'd be a little less…..tense."

"McKay, I'm going to-"

Lorne arrived at that moment. He moved to intercept John before he could get to McKay. "Not worth it." He said quietly.

John stormed out of the room. "I'm going over to check things out."

He collided with Cadman in the corridor. He was cursing silently to himself when she held out his iPod.

"Sorry Major, this fell out of your pocket when I ran into you."

He grabbed it and began to jog towards the jumper bay. He'd been looking for the iPod all morning; he'd sworn he'd checked all his pockets. Twice.

Moments later, John arrived in the cloaked ship setting the puddle jumper down close to the one Carson had flown over. He pulled up the life signs scanner. He picked up a large cluster around the Athosian village. Then spotted two more life signs much deeper into the woods. The two separate dots joined together, separating briefly before joining again. He shut it down and settled into wait, his eyes staring through the window in the direction of the two that were alone.

John felt an icy chill course through his veins. Releasing the anger he didn't understand. He couldn't explain why he was here now, waiting to see what he already knew, what he'd already seen. He didn't understand his desire to witness them together again. He wanted to forget it, forget he'd counted on her friendship. Forget his throbbing heart that had fractured when Koyla had pronounced her dead.

None of it had been real, just something his mind had fabricated to ease his loneliness when he'd arrived on Atlantis. Before Elizabeth lifted the fraternization rules and he had no hope of companionship. Not that a relationship was anything he wanted. Emotional intimacy pushed him to retreat and pull away from those around him. Those who needed him. He let her down. He ran from the emotions Koyla had stirred, hid from the woman who'd inspired them. She'd counted on him and he failed miserably.

His jaw locked painfully as he spotted them emerging from the woods hours later. They were sweaty and disheveled. Elizabeth had the same grin on her face. Her smile was again directed at Ronan and she reached out to playfully swat his shoulder. John knew he had failed and would never get the chance again. She was leaning on someone else now, someone stronger.

He ran his hand down his face, as if he could wipe away the darkness that lurked around him like a storm cloud. He hadn't bothered with Atlantian women since he'd seen Elizabeth and Ronan outside the firing range. Hadn't even bothered looking for Teyla to hang out with.

He spent more and more time alone on the pier, drinking and listening to the painful melodies streaming across his iPod. He no longer cared who was trying to torture him, play with his mind, by adding the music. It suited his melancholy just fine to listen to the somber music that could have been inspired by his own mind, his own heart.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth emerged from the woods on the mainland feeling energized. In the two weeks she'd been practicing in the woods, she felt she'd made more progress than she had in the prior six weeks. Ronan had integrated the sparing skills, the range practice and her endurance training together into one combined training session. It seemed real now, not like she was pretending in a studio back on Atlantis, but tangible results of how that practice worked in the real world.

"I think I'm working my way out of a job." Ronan smiled.

She swatted his shoulder playfully. "Well I can't tag along to protect every mission, so you're safe for now." She joked.

She froze suddenly, icy sensations pounded like hail upon her skin. "Did you feel that?"

Ronan's eyes scanned the area. "It's just wind."

"It's not windy. Was Sheppard scheduled to come to the mainland today?"

Ronan studied her carefully. "No. Is he here?"

"How would I know?" Elizabeth averted her eyes as she spoke.

The next morning, Elizabeth smiled contently in her office adjacent to the control room. A science team had completed the work to help the Athosians more efficiently manage their crops, freeing up manpower. Many of the Athosians would begin working at Atlantis in the newly functioning pharmaceutical and hydroponics lab. Rodney and Zelenka's team had just revealed the completion of their second ZPM. They needed more to dial Earth without leaving Atlantis vulnerable, but for now they would be safe, healthy and nourished.

It was time to resume their goals. They had come to Atlantis to explore and learn. She was ready to release the restrictions on off world travel. If they incited the Wraith again, so be it. Atlantis would be able to stand up to them now.

She glanced at her watch. Sheppard's team was meeting now. She pushed her chair away from her desk and braced herself as she crossed the hallway to the conference room.

She waved the door open. "Sorry to interrupt, I wanted you to be the first to know. I'm repealing the restrictions on off world travel. I need you to prioritize an agenda for our continued exploration."

Rodney oddly enough was the most excited. "We can go now! Elizabeth, I came across mention of a planet in the second database. I believe it was the Ancient's version of our alpha site. We have to check it out, who knows what technology they would have established there."

Elizabeth was already exiting the room when she began to speak. "Okay, you have a go. Be careful out there."

She escaped back into her office forgoing her desk for the sanctuary of the balcony. She stared out upon the ocean that had always helped to soothe her. As she took deep breaths, the prickling sensations dancing upon her skin finally faded. Maybe she should mention it to Carson, he could probably prescribe something. But she hated the thought of taking anything that would screw with her emotions. They'd probably only make it worse.

The pricking rose once again and she turned, spotting John outside the conference room door. He was staring in her direction. He nodded towards her, in thanks she supposed. She knew he'd been longing to get back out there. She nodded back. Baby steps.

Twenty minutes later, she strode to the balcony overlooking the gate. She watched in silence as the puddle jumper disappeared through the event horizon. Her stomach churned with unease as they embarked towards the first unknown planet since the events of the storm. She had made the right decision; they had to get back out there. But knowing it was the right thing to do didn't make worrying about their safety any easier.

She left early for her other office. "Peter, let me know the minute they dial the gate."

For the first time in more weeks than she could remember, she skipped the mess hall. The thought of food caused her stomach to protest again.

She had escaped into the files stacked upon her desk until the crackling of the radio forced her eyes to her watch. How had so much time passed?

"Dr. Weir, we just received an update from Major Sheppard's team. They are on their way back and they are bringing..." Peter's voice trailed off into static.

"Bringing what?"

"Whom. The priestess of the planet. Her name is Chaya."

Her eyes narrowed. "He's bringing a woman back? You've got to be….I'm on my way."

Elizabeth's feet pounded the whole way down to the control room. Cascades of thoughts overwhelmed her mind as she waited on the balcony. Peter hadn't said hot chick, he'd said priestess she reminded herself. Maybe this Chaya was an elder of the planet. Something made Elizabeth doubt that was the case.

They'd never brought anyone to Atlantis without discussing it in depth. Sheppard was making a foolish choice, risking Atlantis in the process. She'd only witnessed him making foolish decisions with the women he'd admired. She braced herself for what was to come. The Gate jumped to life.

She tapped her com. "Carson? Can you meet me in the jumper room? Sheppard is bringing a …. guest to Atlantis."

"Guest? Of course, I'm on my way."

Elizabeth began to run to reach the jumper bay. When she arrived, they'd just opened the back hatch and began to emerge. Carson arrived at her side, gasping for breath under the weight of the equipment he'd brought.

Teyla and Ronan had exited the jumper; they now stood to the side of the back hatch studying Elizabeth's face. Rodney exited next, his frame obstructing her view as Sheppard and Chaya emerged behind him. Rodney drifted off to the side and Elizabeth suppressed her gasp as she got her first look at Chaya. She was beautiful. Young and vibrant. Sheppard could not seem to take his eyes off her.

**Teyla**

Elizabeth moved towards them. "Welcome to Atlantis." She shook Chaya's hand.

"Thank you." Chaya's melodious voice answered.

"I hope you don't mind but our doctors do require a medical exam of all offworld team members and our visitors, but after that perhaps you would like a full tour."

"I would love that." Chaya directed her smiling gaze towards Sheppard.

Teyla took a hesitant step forward. "Major Sheppard has already promised to do so."

Elizabeth's eyebrow raised as her gaze settled on him. "Of course he has."

Sheppard didn't take his eyes from Chaya, didn't seem to notice the sarcasm of Elizabeth's response. Elizabeth turned swiftly, leaving them as fast as she could without running.

Teyla raced to catch up with her.

"Teyla?"

"How did you know?" Teyla asked as she reached her side.

They continued walking together back towards the control room. After enough of a distance had passed, Elizabeth stopped and turned towards Teyla.

"Teyla, why did he bring her?"

"It was not the planet McKay was looking for. He is going to recheck the coordinates from the database. Before we landed on Proculus, we encountered the Wraith. Some energy weapon from the planet destroyed their ships without harming our own. Chaya said she could not help us, so John invited her here hoping she could be persuaded after becoming more familiar with us."

Teyla detected the fleeting wince that scared Elizabeth's face. Before she could say anything, Elizabeth recovered. "Teyla, I'm putting you in charge of these negotiations. I think they may go more smoothly if I am not involved."

Teyla studied her closely, before nodding in acceptance.

Lather that night, Teyla caught up with Sheppard, heading towards the southwest pier with picnic basket in his hand. She looked at him, her eyes questioning.

Sheppard had to grace the look a bit embarrassed. "I wanted to make sure that Chaya saw everything."

"Everything?"

Sheppard shifted uncomfortable. "Well...not everything uh...Chaya mentioned she wanted to see the best view of the city at night which I think is at the top of the south west pier and...And since it's such a long walk I thought I'd...bring along a few provisions.

"Continuing our efforts to secure a treaty?" She asked.

"Exactly. Yeah."

Teyla refused to relent, sensing his discomfort. "As our ambassador?"

Sheppard put one hand to chest and nodded. "I'm an ambassador and she is a... diplomat."

"On a late night... picnic?" Teyla hoped she had remembered the correct term.

"Yes. "

Teyla smiled tentatively. "I know that as ranking military officer here in Atlantis you feel a heavy burden of responsibility...but you are allowed to have feelings for others-"

"Ah no...this is a...this is an ambassadorial diplomatic picnic outing thing." Sheppard laughed nervously.

"Without having to justify that to anyone." Teyla continued. "Major, you will not find what you are seeking until you open your mind. I'm unsure why you don't fight for what is in your heart. Be careful my friend, you will regret Chaya. Goodnight Major."

"Goodnight...Teyla." He walked away, focusing his confused eyes upon her as left.

Teyla raised her eyes towards the sky. How was it possible that her friends had both denied their individual desires, focusing their energies on the expedition, managing to be oblivious to was so obvious to everyone one aboard Atlantis.

If they did not face their feelings soon and deal with it, something would soon have to give. She wasn't sure John or Elizabeth was strong enough now to handle the fallout. She knew the crew of Atlantis was not.

Teyla finally made her way back into the heart of the city. As she neared the living quarters, she noticed Cadman waiting for her in the hallway. As she approached, she looked around making sure there was no one to witness their conversation.

"Did you make the delivery?" Cadman asked anxiously.

"Yes, but, I feel it is time to stop. These songs are only making things worse. Especially John. I think it is has only roused more confusion within his mind. He's been spending all his evenings alone on the southwest pier. And now, now he has brought a woman back to Atlantis. You should see him look at her." Teyla said.

"Like a kid in a candy shop" Ronan offered as he joined them.

"More than that. Like the air he needs to breathe." Teyla said thoughtfully.

"Exactly how pretty is this woman?" Cadman asked.

Teyla glanced at Ronan. His grim expression mirrored her own.

"Whoa, that pretty huh? Actually, that's perfect. This is Sheppard. He'll choke before the days over. This will be the final push they need; they'll both be reeling from the fallout. Look, I know it's hard to watch them suffer. But they are both as stubborn as mules. We have to tear them down until they hit rock bottom. Only then will they open their eyes and see." Cadman pleaded her case, imploring Teyla and Ronon with her eyes.

Teyla sighed. "Just a little while longer."

John

The moon appeared like a glowing amber jewel in the night's sky, dancing languidly upon the ocean before them. He smiled, pushing Teyla's words from his mind. Chaya perched upon the blanket he'd laid out, smiling back towards him. He plugged his iPod in to the portable speakers.

Another unfamiliar song started as he pushed start on the playlist. He had no idea who was screwing with his iPod, with him but they had horrible timing.

Restless tonight  
Cause I wasted the light  
Between both these times  
I drew a really thin line  
It's nothing I planned  
And not that I can  
But you should be mine  
Across that line

Even though I know  
I don't want to know  
Yeah I guess I know  
I just hate how it sounds

He didn't want to explain himself if he turned the music off, he should have checked the damn iPod before he turned it on. He tried to shake the words from his head. He was with a beautiful woman, but couldn't escape the other on his mind.

He opened his eyes determined to focus on the here and now. Chaya smiled invitingly and he tilted his head towards her until his mouth firmly pressed against hers. Chaya's hands gently cusped his neck, her touch conjured up an energy that enveloped both of them. He felt slightly uncomfortable as he felt her desire flashed over his body into his mind. If this was a two way street………..

She broke away suddenly. "I'm sorry, but I think I should retire to my quarters."

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Did I do something wrong?"

Chaya smiled. "Not to me. I could use your help for a moment. I've been going through Earth's database, learning a great deal. But the music, it seems so loud."

"I think I can help with that." John said evenly, overpowering the insecurity rising from her abrupt change of attitude. His muscles were still twitching uncomfortably from the feelings she'd dredged up from the shallow grave in his heart.

Rodney

Something had been nagging at him since he'd seen the way Sheppard had been looking at Chaya. Rodney used the life signs system to detect his biorhythms. He'd been here for a while, being uncharacteristically patient waiting for Sheppard to exit Chaya's quarters.

Sheppard strode out the door finally, his face carefully twisted into a near normal expression.

"Major." Rodney moved to intercept.

A look of surprise fractured Sheppard's purposeful calm. "Rodney. What are you doing up so late?"

"I was just, um, I couldn't sleep, so I was going back up to the Control Room to do a little research. What about you?"

"Oh, no thanks." Sheppard began to move past him.

"No, I mean what were you doing up so late?" Rodney questioned as he scurried around stepping into Sheppard's path, stopping him.

"I'm always up late, Rodney." Sheppard said, a dark cloud of warning settling in around him.

Rodney was determined. "Word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious."

"What routine?"

Rodney sighed. "The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised ..."

Sheppard's eyes turned black. "If and when anything I do becomes your business-"

McKay rushed to spit out his concern before he chickened out or Sheppard knocked him out. "It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!"

"Don't go there, McKay." Sheppard extended an unexpected warning.

Rodney was surprised he hadn't hit him already. "I'm sorry - I know I'm not normally Mr. Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her. I know it's intangible but I can feel it."

Sheppard's angry voice repeated, "I said don't go there!"

The door to the quarters that John just left opened, exposing Chaya holding Sheppard's jacket. Her eyes widened as she witnessed the exchange.

Rodney persisted. "I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your ... "He stopped, realizing that Chaya could hear them. He and Sheppard turned to look at her. Chaya stared angrily at them for a moment, then turned and walked back into her room. John flashed a last bone chilling glance his way before following her.

John

John had only been in Chaya's quarters a few minutes. He'd lowered the volume on the laptop before exiting the door. If McKay wasn't so damn nosy. John had been so furious with him; he'd followed Chaya back into her room just to infuriate him. Rodney was camped out in the hallway, waiting to see when he left. John waited until he saw McKay's talking frantically on the com and made his escape.

McKay

Rodney managed to make it through the night without disturbing Elizabeth. But this couldn't wait until their afternoon meeting. He arrived at her office early, surprised to find Teyla already inside.

He barged on in and interrupted. "Dr. Weir, you have to do something about Sheppard. He's crossed the line."

Elizabeth arched her eyebrow. It had been a long time since Rodney had approached her outside his designated hour.

"Rodney, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about him seducing leaders of planets we wish to be our allies. He is acting too rashly, putting Atlantis at risk. I found him leaving Chaya's quarters long after midnight. I only knew it was her quarters because she opened the door he'd just exited. He followed her back inside and though I waited hours, neither of them reappeared. "

"That will be all Rodney." Elizabeth retreated to the balcony.

"But…" Rodney started, stopping short of following her when Teyla grabbed his arm and directed a stare of warning towards him.

"What?" He asked.

"Why would you ever think telling her that was the right thing to do?" Teyla hissed.

"I…..I…."

"You still fail to understand. I thought scientists were supposed to be observant." Teyla issued a last look of warning before striding away.

Rodney began walking to the science lab, deep in thought. What was wrong with everyone? Everyone was acting so strangely. Come to think of it, he didn't feel himself lately. His hand rose to his throat. Maybe he should ask Carson to look into why everyone was acting crazy. John and Elizabeth had been avoiding each other, Elizabeth had been hanging out with Cadman, and Teyla had just called him unobservant. Was it possible a virus had struck Atlantis that was slowly growing in strength?

"Carson? Medical emergency in the science lab." Rodney felt only a flicker of guilt. Something was definitely wrong.

Carson arrived carrying his large medical bag, looking surprised to find Rodney alone seemingly unharmed. Rodney blurted out his concerns, noting the look of amusement that began to creep upon Carson's face.

"Aye, you've just noticed, did you?" Carson asked. "Rodney, what do you think of Dr. Weir?"

"Hmm, interesting. I've just announced I think there may be a contagious disease on Atlantis and you want to talk about Elizabeth?"

"Indulge me for a bit."

"Okay, fine. Well, she's smart. Not as smart as me, of course, but she does do a better job of seeing the big picture. She's strong too. Never figured out what she did, but those military boys take orders from her without question. How does she do that? They seem to respect her even." Rodney looked off to the side deep in thought. "What was the question?"

"Some people see more Rodney. She _is_ an attractive woman." Carson said pointedly.

Rodney felt a blush tarnish his checks. He hadn't planned to mention _that._

Carson smiled and picked up his bag, readying himself to leave.

"Wait, that's it? No scans, no tests?" Rodney was shocked at his carelessness.

"Atlantis is fine, there is no disease. The only cure for what's ailing our friends is time, I'm afraid."

"How much time?" Rodney asked skeptically.

"I'll talk to Heightmeyer, have her speak with them. I'm afraid there are no easy fixes for these things. You'll have to try to be patient." Carson remembered the way John and Elizabeth had looked at each other after the storm, they way their presence eased the pain in their eyes. The magnetism pulling them together then was now pushing them apart. It was painful to witness their inner struggle and not interfere. But they needed time to come to grips with their emotions on their own. The events of the storm had roused the intense emotions before they had been ready to face them.

Rodney looked incredulously at Carson as he left. He had been infected too; he wasn't making any more sense than Teyla had. Rodney raised his hand to his throat again. It was definitely swollen.


	5. Chapter 5

Elizabeth

Heightmeyer was waiting for her when she returned from her morning run. Elizabeth turned her head, questioning why now, months after the storm she was now seeking her out.

"I need to speak with you, is this a bad time?" Heightmeyer asked.

Elizabeth was soaked in sweat, dressed again only in the sports bra and jogging shorts. She raised her eyebrow in question, and then shrugged allowing her to enter her quarters. Elizabeth pulled a towel and began to blot the sweat, anxious to get this over with.

'Dr. Weir, I've only come because of the crew. They are worried about you."

"Worried? Why, why now?'" Elizabeth was stunned. She could have understood before, but now, the storm seemed so long ago.

"It seems to be unsettling to them that the leader and the military commander can not seem to tolerate being in the same room with each other."

Elizabeth winced. "But I spoke to him just two days ago."

"Yes, I heard. Poked your head into his team meeting for all of one minute. It's not enough Elizabeth. Especially when he brought a woman back and you rescued yourself from the negotiations. I don't know what he did to you, what happened to make you end things, but you need to try harder to put up a front for your crew."

"What are you talking about, ending things? Nothing was going on between John Sheppard and me!" Elizabeth practically growled. She was growing extremely tired of everyone's assumptions.

Heightmeyer's eyes widened. "Nothing? Dr. Wier, you realize I'm bound under confidentiality, nothing you say to me will be repeated."

"_Nothing_ was going on. Nothing. Nothing, nothing nothing. You can rent a billboard if you'd like, I'll sign a waiver."

Heightmeyer looked at her carefully. "The entire crew believes differently."

"Yes, well maybe they have to much free time. I can do something about that." Elizabeth thought scornfully.

"Or maybe they need something fun to do. Have you considered that, they need downtime, an excuse to relax. Organized activities?"

Elizabeth thought for a moment. "Perhaps a social committee of sorts? I know just the person to put in charge.'" Cadman.

"Elizabeth, I'm not letting you off the hook just yet. I want you to come see me within the next week." Heightmeyer paused in the door as she was leaving. "In the meantime, I want you to think about why the whole crew thinks something had developed between you and Major Sheppard."

Elizabeth pretended she hadn't heard her last words. She contacted Cadman who'd left her spinning with plans apparently readied weeks ago. A social cocktail hour was quickly planned for that very evening, the news spreading life wildfire from email to email, com to com.

The day passed in a haze, evening falling too quickly. Elizabeth returned to the control room after she'd cleaned up after her sparring match. She'd pulled on a dress, the first time she'd worn it since arriving on Atlantis. She pulled a light wrap around her shoulders, covering a splattering of bruised that had almost healed.

Elizabeth moved through her office and stood on her balcony, watching the scene unfold before her. It loosened her resolve as she watched the crew relax below her, flirting unabashedly as their inhibitions lowered with each sip of liquor.

Her back began tingling and she knew he was close. The music drifted up towards her, painfully pulling her heart towards its fear. She'd heard Chaya had left before lunch yesterday. There were no plans for her to return. Damn Rodney and his big mouth, tattling like a school boy telling her things her heart couldn't yet handle hearing.

Her eyes locked on Sheppard's and time paused for a long uncomfortable moment. She couldn't look away, though her mind was screaming inside. He doesn't care, he never will. The voice continued; see how he flaunts those women before you, like you're not smart enough to figure it out that he doesn't care. He finally ripped his eyes away and her heart constricted painfully as she watched him walk away.

She listened to the music, feeling the pain more intensely with each verse.

I watched helpless as he turned around to leave  
And still I have the pain I have to carry

After all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
Never thought we'd be here  
When my love for you was blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
A part of me died when I let you go

Staring into the blackness of the night, she couldn't overpower the urge to flee any longer when she heard the chorus. He had walked away. She couldn't stay. She didn't notice the crew's heads bobbing back and forth between them, watching their every facial expression and their backs as they both walked away.

John

He'd felt her; felt her eyes boring into his back. He turned and spotted her on the balcony outside her office, above the last minute social hour Cadman had thrown together. He'd only gone when Lorne radioed him, telling him there was something he had to see. Clad in a tiny scrap of fabric disguised as a dress, Elizabeth clearly trying to show somebody something. When their eyes met, a pained look flashed through her eyes, making his blood boil in a way he never allowed before. He raced off the lower balcony, but when he reached her office, she was gone.

Elizabeth had fled in the one moment he thought he could find the strength to confront her, decimating his confidence yet again. She had made it clear. She'd seen the emotions within him and ran. Had he imagined the connection he'd felt during the storm, or had he ruined any hope with his childish behavior? All those women, he thought, his eyes turning upward towards the sky. He'd pushed her into Ronan's arms. Now, he had even pushed Chaya away after less than a day. John had felt his brief reprieve he'd felt in her presence evaporate back into the darkness.

He patted his pocket checking to see if the damned iPod was there. He pulled it from his pocket, forced the earbuds in and strode away towards the south west pier. Embracing the darkness. Looking almost forward to whatever new torture he would find and feel with the lyrics of angst. Feeling pain was better than nothing.

He began to arrive later and later to his team meeting each day. He forgot to care when Rodney was being rash or foolish. Forgot to try to concentrate on anything except her empty chair. Forgot to try to pretend he didn't care.

Teyla

Teyla had been sent to find John. None of them wanted too, his mood had darkened every day since Chaya had left alternating before sarcastic whiplash and morose indifference. McKay had wanted to draw straws, whatever that was. But the team was waiting to depart on a mission, so Teyla moved quickly, not wanting word to reach Elizabeth about a delay.

She heard music as she walked down the corridor. They had gone too far she realized.

John

John was dressed, ready to go. But he hadn't risen from his bed. The music surrounded him and he lost himself in someone's game. He no longer cared whose game it was. He'd probably lost his mind, and just imagined the music appearing as if from no where on his iPod. Yet, he always listened tortured by every new song he found. Today, it had sapped the final bit of his strength. What did it matter what he did? It was too late, he had lost his chance.

He felt a tug on his chin, pulling it upwards. Teyla's eyes seemed bewildered by his appearance. He shoved her hand turning his eyes away from hers. She moved to sit beside him on the bed, waiting silently.

"Something wrong with your razor?" Her voice gently teased him, trying to rouse him from the melancholy.

"What's the point Teyla?" He turned towards her, looking for something.

"Of shaving?" She seemed confused.

He stood, frustrated, his hands running through his hair. "What is the point of anything? Everything we do just causes pain. Whoops, woke up the wraith. Damn, shouldn't have checked out the barn. Now it's the Genii. Who next Teyla? What's next? How many lives can we continue to justify in the name of exploration?"

Teyla's eyes widened in alarm. He'd fallen much deeper than she'd imagined. She stood beside him reaching out to touch his arm. "John, you can't let-"

"Looks like we're late. Time to go save the galaxy by killing us all sooner rather than later. Save the pep talk, I know what you'll say. It doesn't matter. Today could be the day you know. The last one." A sneer of a smile rose across his face before he began jogging out the door. But the look in his eyes, it chilled her to the core.

Teyla

She nodded her head at Ronon when they arrived in the jumper bay, trying to warn him with her eyes. It was unnecessary though. Everything about John's unkempt appearance to the wild look in his eyes screamed a warning to those watching. McKay was even unusually quiet on the trip.

John managed to keep a grip throughout the mission. McKay was overjoyed, they had found Atlantis' alpha site. But the local council would not allow them access to this "ancestral hall", without getting something in return anyway. They arrived back on Atlantis to discuss it with Elizabeth before returning the next day.

Teyla stopped by John's quarters the next morning. He looked even worse then he did the day before. She roused him gently to attention and towards the jumper bay. They both froze in shock to see Elizabeth waiting with McKay and Ronan. Dressed in full gear. She appeared to be joining them.

Elizabeth

She had arrived early in the jumper bay, preparing herself mentally for a day spent in John Sheppard's proximity. It hadn't helped much. Even Ronan's encouraging nod at her appearance didn't sustain her confidence for long. Sheppard's disheveled appearance stunned her. Her heart skipped to realize how hurt he must have been by Chaya's abrupt departure. She called upon her long standing skills from diplomatic relations and attempted to bluff her way through the awkwardness.

She managed a weak smile. "Didn't think I'd let you go without me did you? I've seen the results of your negotiations Major."

She caught his slight wince and she turned away, afraid to look any further. First time she'd spoken that much to him in months and she made a reference to his Genii negotiations. Great work Elizabeth.

For once, she appreciated Rodney's incessant chattering. His voice filled what may have been an otherwise oppressively silent trip. They arrived on the planet and departed the jumper for the walk through the woods into the town.

Teyla briefed her as they walked. The planet had a small population, but one seemingly larger of most they encountered. They seemed to have been making headway towards industrialization, but were years away from developing factories of their own. Teyla thought if Atlantian scientists helped them accomplish this sooner, they'd be allowed access to the ancestral hall.

"And the Wraith? Does this planet suffer the pillaging of all the others we have encountered?" She asked.

Teyla looked thoughtful as she answered. "The fear does not seem as deeply seeded with them, their population is healthy. Is it possible a device from Atlantis protects them somehow?"

McKay's eyes lighted with excitement. "If the Ancients had that kind of technology, they would have used it on Atlantis. Unless some of them fled to the alpha site and continued work. Maybe they were onto something. We have to get access!"

Elizabeth's eyes dared briefly towards Sheppard. He was deep in thought, seemingly unaware of the conversation taking place around him. Ronan had taken his previous place by her side, though she finally felt secure with her own protection. They arrived in the town and were lead into the government's offices.

Teyla spoke first. "May I present Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of .., our people."

"I am Tannon, administrator of this fine city." He slightly bowed towards them.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with us. I understand you may be agreeable to allowing our exploration of your ancient hall?" She asked.

"Yes, I am looking forward to working out…. amenable terms." His eyes darted almost nervously about the room before finally focusing on his assistant.

"That will be all for now." He said, dismissing him.

The young man stumbled nervously over his own feet as he left the room, securing the door behind him. Elizabeth looked to John, his eyes meet hers unwavering now. He gave the slightest nod, confirming he'd sensed it too. Something was not right. McKay was off to her side, studying a sketched map of the city mounted on the wall. John moved closer to Teyla and Ronan by the door, gripping his P90 closely in hand.

The second John's back turned; Elizabeth spotted the steely glint as Tannon pulled the gun from his pocket. He'd barely taken the first menacing step towards her when she lunged forward, her left foot landing beside his right. The butt of her P90 swung up, catching him firmly on the left side of his head, the force of her blow knocking him off his feet as he stumbled against her leg.

Teyla rushed to grab the gun his hand had released, Ronan arrived and planted his foot on Tannon's chest, holding him firmly against the floor. McKay was wide eyed and ashen face trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. She glanced back over her shoulder; John's jaw was locked, his blank eyes staring through her as his weapon stood ready to fire upon anyone who dared breach the door. Elizabeth turned back toward Tannon.

"What's going on Tannon? I thought you were looking forward to amenable terms?" Elizabeth asked sarcastically.

"I had little choice. The Wraith are looking for you, were looking for you. To keep my people safe-"

"You snitch to the Wraith? "Elizabeth arched her eyebrow. "We're not the first, are we?"

Tannon turned his eyes away and Ronan stomped down harder on his chest.

"My ribs, you're crushing me!" He protested.

Elizabeth moved closer, studying his legs. She finally raised her P90, pointing it at his kneecap. "Well, I'd hate to hurt your ribs. Perhaps you are less fond of your knee?"

"What was I supposed to do? Allow them to cull my people at random? What kind of person would I be to allow my people be hurt?" He sputtered.

"What kind of person allows the murder of others to save himself? Who are you more worried about Tannon, your people or you?" She waited, but there was only silence. "This ends here. I will not allow you to continue endangering the lives of everyone in this galaxy who makes the mistake of trying to establish trade with your people."

"But, it's too late! They are on the way, they have the gate addresses. You can't just kill me"

"Oh, we're not going to kill you. I'm sure the Wraith will be angry when they find the gate address leads them to a dead end. Do you think we are stupid enough to dial in from our base? We've scrambled the memory on the gate we came through. They'll never find us. But they will find you."

A strangled noise emerged from deep in Tannon's throat.

"Ronan, bring him. We need him so we can get back to the gate." She turned toward McKay. "How far away is the next Stargate by ship?"

Her voice appeared to rouse Rodney from his shock. "Ah, ah, okay, next gate is approximately two hours by ship."

"Tannon, do they come by ship?"

"Ships? The Wraith have ships?" Tannon confirmed her suspicion.

She turned to John who nodded, understanding what she meant to do. She raised her gun and they all moved towards the door, unsure what awaited them on the other side. They met with no resistance; the people on this planet were probably unaware of the extremes their leader had gone to. Probably thought the Atlantians were the bad guys.

Ronan tied Tannon to a tree near the gate and puddle jumper.

Elizabeth looked at John again. "Ronan and Teyla will accompany me back to Atlantis through the gate."

He nodded, still looking not quite at her, but through her. He was angry, she realized, but she couldn't figure out why.

"You did good." Ronan nodded as if reading her thoughts.

John's face filled with red as he turned away.

"What about us?" Rodney squeaked.

"We'll take the jumper to the next gate, after we've disabled this one. And by disable, I mean destroy." John said pulling the C4 from his pockets.

"What about the alpha site?" Rodney's eyes were about to burst, he looked to each one of them like he thought they'd all gone crazy. "What about these people?"

"The Wraith do not make deals Rodney. Obviously there is a device on this planet stopping the Wraith from using their technology. Why else would they have not brought ships? These people will be safe. You can come back after the Gate's been destroyed and we're sure the Wraith's access to the planet has been eliminated."

Adrenaline was still coursing through Elizabeth's veins as she walked through the event horizon.

Somehow she managed to work through the rest of her day, counting the minutes until she could escape to the studio for practice and release this flood of energy. She felt like she was about to burst. Finally, all the hours had passed and she left her office, stopping only briefly to change into a sports bra and yoga pants. Teyla seemed surprised to see her enter the studio. Ronan arrived a few minutes later, nodding his head. It seemed odd to her that they would think she wouldn't come. She felt good, great even. She was looking forward to this.


	6. Chapter 6

The final scene was inspired and timed to a favorite song. I couldn't bear to cut the lyrics. Every reader has had a different opinion, you know your own preferences. For me, it adds to the story. For others, it can be a distraction. So, read it how it will read best to you. I suggest either pulling the song up on youtube and listen as you read or don't and skip reading the lyrics. Either way, thanks you for indulging me by finishing! I hope you enjoy, either way.

John

John realized he'd been immersed a dark fog lately, but the sight of Elizabeth knocking the hell out of Tannon with her P90 was like a slap in the face. Where the hell had that come from? It was like she'd been working towards eliminating the need for him anywhere in her life. Mission accomplished. His shock had faded again to anger when he heard Ronan praise her. He wasn't sure which one he was angrier with.

They finally arrived back on Atlantis. John shed his coat and flack jacket before leaving the jumper.

"Sheppard to Weir!" His voice was seething as he tapped his com.

"This is Carson, Elizabeth's off duty. Is it an emergency Major?"

"I'll let you know." John said, spotting McKay escaping into the science lab.

His pounding footsteps echoed through the hallway as he followed.

McKay's eyes grew wide as he spotted John's face. "What did I do?"

John didn't stop until he was directly before him. "Where's Elizabeth?" He asked through clenched teeth.

"She's off duty, I don't know. She could be anywhere."

"Use your sensors." John instructed.

"I, I can't do that. She's not to be disturbed unless it's an emergency." Rodney sputtered.

John stared at McKay, then tapped the com on his ear. "Sheppard to Carson. Turns out it is an emergency. We need a medical team in the science lab."

McKay ran behind a table. "Carson, I need Lorne! Help! Somebody-"

John leaned across the table and snatched the speaker from his ear. McKay tried to dart towards the supply closet, but John was faster. He grabbed McKay from behind and steered him towards the laptop. "Where….is….Elizabeth." He hissed into his ear.

McKay's fingers trembled as they worked the laptop. "She's, she's, that can't be right, it looks like she's in the sparring studio."

John released him and began to run.

"What are you going to do?" McKay said, running after him.

John passed Lorne in the hallway, well aware there were now two pairs of footsteps following him. He picked up the pace.

Teyla

Teyla watched Elizabeth cross the room. She laid down the sticks and began to plug in the iPod. Elizabeth seemed to be doing well, considering the day they'd had. Actually, Teyla couldn't remember ever seeing her look quite so confident, so strong. She then saw Elizabeth's back noticeably tighten and her shoulders square determinedly. Teyla knew Sheppard must be near.

He burst through the door a moment later. His jaw was locked with anger, his fiery eyes focused on Ronan who was standing in the middle of the studio. John strode towards him and tore the sticks from his hand, challenging Ronan with his eyes. Ronan offered no resistance and moved towards the speakers beside Elizabeth, turning on the music she'd forgotten.

Lorne burst through the door, stopping stunned at the scene unfolding before him.

A moment later McKay followed, red faced and panting for air. "Will someone please tell me what's going on?"

Teyla raised a finger to her mouth to quiet him.

Elizabeth slowly picked up the sticks and turned to face John, glimpses of doubt peering through her calm expression.

Teyla tapped her com by her ear. "Cadman? You need to get to the studio. John and Elizabeth, I think they are about to spar."

"Play the song! Paramore's Decode!"

"Ronan just started it." Teyla said, ignoring the questioning looks of Lorne and McKay.

"Oh shit! I'm on my way!" Cadman's voice was almost overpowered as the song began.

Ronan reached her side and they looked at each other, wondering if they had done the right thing.

John and Elizabeth were eerily still as they stared at each other. The tension was painful to watch. A look of heated determination descended upon Elizabeth's face as she listened to the music.

"Rodney, what are you doing?"Teyla was shocked to see McKay pulling out a video recorder. She was stunned by even his boldness.

"Carson wouldn't listen to me when I told him how odd everyone was acting. I'm getting proof!" He whispered excitedly.

Teyla shook her head, turning her gaze towards her most pressing worry.

How can I decide what's right  
When you're clouding up my mind?  
I can't win your losing fight  
All the time.

John and Elizabeth raised their sticks and slowly began to circle each other.

Not gonna ever own what's mine  
When you're always taking sides  
But you won't take away my pride.  
No, not this time...  
Not this time...

Teyla saw Elizabeth wince as she listened to the lyrics. She wasn't sure who struck first. McKay jumped as the sticks collided, the force resounding even above the pounding music.

How did we get here?  
When I used to know you so well.

Teyla's mouth began to fall open wider. She had never seen Elizabeth strike so hard, move so fast. John was holding back barely, if at all. Rarely had he even fought her with such force.

But how did we get here?  
Well, I think I know.

Teyla gasped when John struck her shoulder, but Elizabeth didn't even wince from the pain. Her next blow nicked his temple, drawing a trickle of blood. If anything, they began to fight harder.

Cadman burst in. "What did I miss, oh shit………he's bleeding!"

"Just a scratch." Ronan muttered.

The truth is hiding in your eyes  
And it's hanging on your tongue.  
Just boiling in my blood.  
But you think that I can't see  
What kind of man that you are,  
If you're a man at all.  
Well, I will figure this one out

John struck Elizabeth again, catching her back as she twisted away angling for a better position.

On my own.  
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")  
On my own.  
(My thoughts you can't decode)

"We have to stop them; they are going to hurt each other." Rodney whispered, still not lowering the recorder.

"They had hurt each other far more before they ever picked up those sticks." Cadman said.

McKay looked strangely at her.

How did we get here?  
When I used to know you so well, yeah.  
But how did we get here?  
Well, I think I know.

"He's right, this has gone too far." Teyla began to move, but Ronan stopped her. His warm arms pulled her against his chest, his hands wrapping around her stomach. She leaned into him, catching Rodney's eyes bulge again when he noticed. Teyla felt even Ronan's muscles grow tense as John and Elizabeth managed to up the intensity yet another notch.

A sickening sound rose when their sticks collided again, the sheer force of Elizabeth's strike against John's had splintered the stick in her right hand.

John and Elizabeth stood frozen, staring at each other.

Do you see what we've done?  
We've gone and made such fools  
Of ourselves.

Elizabeth broke the gaze, looking towards the stub in her hand. Both of her palms opened, allowing the sticks to fall to the floor

Do you see what we've done?  
We've gone and made such fools  
Of ourselves.

Elizabeth raised her eyes back to John, blinking as she fought to hold back the moisture that had filled her eyes. A tiny tear escaped, trickling down her cheek.

John turned hurling both of his sticks towards the side wall. The wall length mirror shattered in a million pieces. The rush of anger depleted suddenly from John's body, his shoulders sagged visibly as he raised his eyes to the fractured mirror before him.

Lorne started to move and Teyla touched his arm. "Wait."

John turned meeting Elizabeth's eyes. Teyla turned her head, surprised even herself not to find even a trace of fear, hesitation in Elizabeth's eyes. John and Elizabeth took slow careful steps towards each other, never faltering from each others gaze.

"Where's the remote?" Cadman suddenly snatched the remote from Ronan.

How did we get here?  
When I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.

Cadman fumbled to lower the music so they could hear them speak. John's lips were already moving. The volume lowered in time for Elizabeth's response.

How did we get here?  
When I used to know you so well.

"I don't need you John" Elizabeth whispered, resistance flashing briefly through her eyes.

I think I know.

"You never did." John's voice was husky, sounding surprised.

I think I know.

Elizabeth broke their gaze looking up as her hand rose to touch the cut on John's head.

Her other hand rose, starting to move gently into his hair before she turned her eyes back to John's.

There is something I see in you.  
It might kill me.  
I want it to be true.

John's arms suddenly darted out, his muscles rippling as he pulled her head towards him, crushing Elizabeth's mouth with his own.

Cadman started jumping up and down, clapping silently as to not interrupt the moment. McKay was so shocked; he started to lower the video recorder.

Cadman pulled it back up. "You don't want to miss this!" Before fiddling with the remote again anxious now to fill the silence.

John loosened his grasp on Elizabeth's head, and they both lowered their hands, tugging desperately, pulling each other closer as their kiss intensified. Teyla sighed in relief, and allowed Ronan to pull her back into his arms.

"She's an attractive woman" Rodney said thoughtfully, remembering Carson's words. Understanding hit him like a ton of bricks. Had the other's known? He looked to the others and blushed at their stares. They had heard him talking aloud, smooth Rodney.

Cadman turned her eyes to Lorne. "Want to spar flyboy?"

Lorne's head bobbed as he conducted a quick double take, wondering if he'd heard her right. A slight shade of pink began to rise through his cheeks as Cadman began to laugh.

John and Elizabeth were roused by the sound of laughter, turning to finally notice the crowd behind them. John's head turned sharply to the side in question as he spotted Teyla nestled in Ronan's arms then back towards Cadman as he spotted the remote.

"I guess I can figure out who was screwing with my iPod." He raised an eyebrow in her direction.

"We were just leaving" Cadman discreetly grabbed the camera from Rodney before latching onto Lorne's hand to drag him out of the room. Lorne's face turned beet red. "It's movie night, and it's one, uh, everyone's been anxiously waiting to see."

Teyla and Ronan moved away smiling, prodding Rodney along with them.

The next song had started and John and Elizabeth were alone. He laced his hand through her fingers, pulling her hand up and gently grazing his lips against it. She graced him with that smile, his smile; it's warmth like salve to his conflicted soul. Craving more, he moved forward to immerse himself within her arms.

I think I've walked too close to love  
And now I'm falling in  
There's so many things this weary soul can't take  
Maybe you just caught me by surprise  
The first time that I looked into your eyes

There's a life inside of me  
That I can feel again  
It's the only thing that takes me  
Where I've never been  
I don't care if I lost everything that I have known  
It don't matter where I lay my head tonight  
Your arms feel like home  
Feel like home

This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be  
But I can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me  
I know we both see these changes now  
I know we both understand somehow

There's a life inside of me  
That I can feel again  
It's the only thing that takes me  
Where I've never been  
I don't care if I lost everything that I have known  
It don't matter where I lay my head tonight  
Your arms feel like home


End file.
